Past her shelf life
charukesi February 2nd, 2006
Uma at Indianwriting has this posted an email she received from someone in the US… I found much in the mail objectionable but this sentence particularly got me thinking - The number of overage unmarried Indian girls in the US is quite large. And there is nothing the parents can do about it, which causes them considerable anguish.
And then this brilliant sentence from Shoefiend on her fact or fiction - Approaching their late 20s, my cousins were still unmarried – earning their mother the collective sympathy of friends, relatives and even the occasional stranger. Like products close to their expiry date, they were nearing the end of their shelf life and people were wary of taking them home.
When exactly does a girl / woman reach that expiry date…? What is this overage that makes parents wring their hands in despair and get ready to sell their product, I mean daughter, off at a bargain deal?
Is it when she starts losing her youth? And when is that…?
Is it when she is touching terrible thirty? And she flinches every time she sees herself in the matrimonial ad described as a “girl”…?
Is it when the woman decides that she has had enough and refuses to submit to any more bride-viewing and bargaining?
Or is it when she is nearing menopause and it is clear that even if she marries then, she will not be able to serve her raison d’être, viz. child-bearing?
And when do men become overage? Do they have an expiry date too? Do mothers of unmarried overage men attract the same kind of sympathy?
Why is it that the tick-tocks and the chimes of the woman’s biological clock alone are so loud and clear that they reach the ears of friends and strangers alike? I wonder…
Thanks for the link to the post by Shoefiend.
Some quick and random thoughts:
1. I just find it curious that most of your questions (and the quotes you selected from the posts by Uma and Shoefiend) look at a woman through the prism of marriage. Is marriage really, absolutely necessary?
2. One question did refer specifically to “[serving] her raison d’être, viz. child-bearing”. Is that what a person is for (whether it’s a man or a woman)?
If we answer ‘yes’ to both questions, we are setting a lot of people up for serious depression. It may be worth trying a ‘no’ as the answer to *both* questions (at least as an exercise) and see where we can go with that exploration. We may like that destination …
Abi, these thoughts revolving around the mariage theme are not meant to be a refelction of any personal belief that marriage is the centre of life… It is just that I came across these two posts almost one after the other, where the woman’s age has been placed in relation to her “marriagability”… I meant the tone to be sarcastic about the raison d’etre bit and the rest… clearly I failed
Hi Charu! Thanks for the mention…Based on my personal experiences ie what’s happened to friends and family members i think a lot of parents start worrying once there girls are 26 or 27 and the feeling intensifies as they get closer to 30. For some of them total despair comes when their ‘girl’ is 35 and still not married. I’ve seen some people I know give up hope then (parents and daughters) At the same time I have an Aunt with a 43 year old unmarried son and she is still on the lookout. I can’t help but wonder if she would be still ‘looking’ if she had a 43 year old unmarried daughter. I doubt it.
Abi - I think marriage is very necessary from the parents point of view. While a son/daughter may say that they’re not terribly worried about getting/not getting married it’s something all parents fret about. Ditto with having kids. Perhaps that will change for the next generation.
Hope I’ve made some sense
Abi, about this post and shoefiend’s - the tone is irony (not sarcasm as I said earlier) - I think shoefiend has achieved it perfectly while I have not
I have seen women go through this sad situation of being the object of pity and sympathy of all and sundry - poor girl, she is not married, her parents must be soooo worried…. I found shoefiend’s line very sensitive - even a child can sense the tension in a house where there are girls waiting to be married… and I think that line is from sf’s understanding of the attitude of people (friends and relatives) around the family rather than her own attitude or belief…
and coming back to whether marriage is absolutely necessary, I don’t think so. not for men or women. but it is a fact that women are seen as child bearing machines - motherhood / mamta is the most abused sentiment all around us - in cinema and magazines, in private conversations and public discourse…
and it is impossible for most people I know to believe that a woman can actually *not want* to have a child. but that is another story altogether…
Shoefiend, I know what you mean… actually, in the post, my thoughts and questions were more on “why” the obsession over the right age and over-age rather than “what” is the exact age… I mean, how does once decide that ok, now she is over-aged…? And if she is not married by then, so what about it?
Hi Charu
I think Abi raises an extremely valid point. In fact, it probably answers your question by going to the root of the problem. A woman is gauged by her marriageable age rather than by any other criteria because of the extraordinary weight society places on her being married. Society considers a woman to be a worthy member of society only only after she is married and has kids and raises a family, takes care of her husband, etc. To give a politically incorrect and rather crude analogy, its like gauging the quality of a car you want to buy by asking how many miles its been driven for, because the sole purpose of the car is to be driven.
I recently visited ur blog for the first time and marked it on fav. list…after reading this post, I am glad that i did it….One of the reason for pity and worry is that relationship outside marriage are still not very acceptable in our society…so the question that how will she live her whole life alone…but our society is changing…hope the winds of change are stronger
Abi wrote: If we answer ‘yes’ to both questions, we are setting a lot of people up for serious depression. It may be worth trying a ‘no’ as the answer to both questions
I would reframe that as let every individual decide how they want to answer that question. Why should someone else decide for a woman (or worse, all of womenkind)? I do concede that parents/society are overbearing. But they think that they are doing these actions in the best interests of their daughter. Of course, the daughters may find these actions very oppressive.
Meanwhile, to Charu’s questions - every woman has to decide whether child bearing is an important facet of her life. If the answer is yes, then the next question she may face is to decide whether she wants to bear a child within the institution of marriage or outside of it.
Regaredless of her preference for the institution of marriage, if she wants to bear a child, it has to happen sooner rather than later. 30 is a good scientific age for cut-off. Fertility rates drop drastically thereafter and exponentially after 35. You don’t want to go for IUI, IVF and other forms of fertility treatments unless they are absolutely necessary. They are very painful (tens of injections, many doctor visits, pain, heartbreak etc) and and expensive - not to mention that they’re not always successful. I ruge you to visit this IVF Bulletin Board or Resolve and judge for yourself. That’s why doctors have an expiry date for women. Men too have fertility issues, but that is typically not age dependent.
The key whether you are a man or a woman is to look ahead - when you’re 65. Will you be able to fend for yourself (alone or with your partner)? Would you want a support structure? There’s no guarantee that your kids will take care of you, but would you prefer a chance that they might? Do you want to have grandkids whom you want to shower affection on? Yes, child-bearing is a totally selfish activity. We seek the first child to get an object to shower our love on, to continue our lineage. Then we seek the second so that he/she becomes a support for the first.
Yikes, typos.
Here is a fine article by Madhu Kishwar on the subject.
This only cooroborates what Rani Mukherjee said in the movie “Hum Tum” ,” We Indians have an obsession to getting our girls married”
Hiren,
It is is not limited to Indians. Women/Men in the US also face the same problems. All friends,relatives and other well-wishers love to play match-maker.
’shelf life’ and ‘bio clock’ and similar terms have been invented by people who have conformed to a certain seemingly foolproof plan chalked out by the purveyors of society over the centuries, to cater to a large audience of people who do not know better and do not have the capacity, lack the ability and the inclination to think for themselves and do what they think is right.
Long time no comment, but here I am.
Having just turned 25 a few weeks ago, I’m realizing exactly how predominant this really is. Most of my friends are either married or about to get married. Most have kids, or are pregnant. Me? I don’t even know if I want to get married, should the right man cross my path.
I see friends, male and female, panicing over their “advanced” age (most between 24 and 28) and the idea that they will never get maried if they don’t do it soon. Why the rush? You brought up good questions. Why should we base our value as people around our marriagability?
Right now, I’d just “settle” for a good boyfriend. I’m in no hurry to cement myself to someone else, and in even less of a hurry to reproduce.
hi! sorry I haven’t been able to respond earlier…
gawker, you are right - society places an inordinate emphasis on the marital and parental status of a woman… therefore, the decision essentially is taken out of her hands…
quizman, does that answer your thought too…. I believe too that a woman - along with her partner or by hersel should be able tod ecide - but the truth is, it doesn’t happpen that way… parents, relatives, friends and “well wishers” and then after marriage, spouse and in laws…
the “so why havent we seen a baby yet” has to be experienced to be believed…
Quizman, also thanks for the article… just going to read it… and yes, i have seen women go through all kinds of trauma to have a baby - I recently asked a friend who went through it to think abut why she was doing it - for her own self or to please /placate her in-laws… and she didn’t know….
Sherriff, thanks! isn’t marriage and mothehood a gamble anyways? who is to say a womn wont end up alone anyway? (of course, I am nitpicking here, but it really irritates me that people - I dont mean you - think a woman needs to be married just because she cannot live alone)
Hiren, I think it is for both men and women… but with men, the age factor doesn’t really “hurt” as much as it does women, esp in India….
nish, I dont think I understand what you are saying…
debra, hey! yes, long time… I think people start feeling their unmarried / unchilded (whatever that means) state when they see friends and peers get married / have babies. I know for sure that parents go throuhg severe stress when they see their daughter’s friends married and so on… “see, you are the onl one left behind” - like it’s a big race to see who gets married first!
Charu,
But, speaking as a dad of a wonderful 7 month old, I can tell you that there is no experience in the world that is equal to that of being a parent. None. Period.
People,
I’ve tried the “single and happy to be” route from age 25 to 30, supported by lovely interesting friends like Charu and my parents, pursued a fulfilling career - but was often ‘lost’ in a society that comes in two’s and families.
Having fallen in love and married since then, I feel, my theorising about what a girl needs and doesnt from life was off the mark - its added dimensions to be able to share a movie or a grief with a best friend who will never ever move away to a different city, who at the end of the year and decade will still be there (hopefully
).
Freedom of choice - about when,how - definitely! A little bit of pressure - it helps
else one never gets off one’s rearside to do anything about finding someone. The crazy relentless tension around the house in India - NEVER!
Incidentally, society allows for men to be considered marriagable at 42, but no one envies the mother who has the responsibility!
Quizman, happy for you… enjoy daddom and these lovely days with your child…
Is coffeeroolz who I think it is?
actually “coffee” should have tipped me off…
but with what both of you have said, doing something for yourself, ebcause you want o or believe you will be happy doing it is one thing. and feeling pressurised and tense about it all the time is another. goes for marriage, baby both.
And unfortunately western men are uncoinsiouly on a marriage strike as fount by study on rutgurs university that anyways 505 fo the marriages willbe broken by women claiming he was not sensitive enough and run him through a financial wringer .
bharati, I have no idea what you are saying… typos? or agitation?
An excellent post, I fully agree with what is said, From personal expierence believe me it is true
And more so when you are in the US, where finding a suitable ‘Indian Guy’ is next to impossible
I’ve heard a lot of parents lament on how difficult it is to find a suitable boy for their daughters. This is probably due to women being more successful, independent and being far more choosier in their choice of mate. I think many Indian women these days are aligning their expectation of romance with that of the west, waiting for their prince charming to sweep them off their feet. Unfortunately, the chance of that happening is pretty remote so they keep waiting holding out hope until they are too old to take the alternative which is an arranged marriage.