For want of a scooter, a life was lost
charukesi January 27th, 2006
The gift of a daughter - is not enough - it is the gifts that the daughter carries to her husband’s home that matter… As I finish reading Subhadra Butalia’s book The gift of a daughter - ‘encounters with the victims of dowry’, my thoughts are with the countless married women who go through this harrassment every day (living with it and maybe even dying of it some day), unmarried girls who commit suicide because they do not wish to be a burden on their parents, and parents themselves who would rather kill their newborn daghters than bring them up and then face a situation where they are unable to provide adequately for their marriages.
The gift of a daughter is on the one hand a powerful moving narrative, an attempt by the author to reflect on and document her efforts in fighting the dowry evil. It traces the first awakening - from dowry was never an important issue in my life - in the author towards the horror of dowry and the subsequent path she takes to set up Karmika; the indifference that existed everywhere, the hurdles at every step, the hope that sprang up every time a woman stood up for herself and against the system, the despair that tended to be overwhelming at times when she sensed how deep-rooted the practice was….
And on the other, it is the story of many young women - women from different places and different backgrounds, but with remarkably similar stories. Every woman’s story goes somewhat like this - married off by her parents, sometimes with great hopes and dreams about her future, sometimes against her will and better judgment. Living with physical and mental harrassment at the hands of those she had hoped would protect her and love her. And finally dying in a bizarre accident involving only herself and a stove…
***
It is the story with the women as the main characters, only they have no lines.
And then there are the other performers, all of them mute too - her own parents watching in silence as their daughter goes through hell…
She stayed at her parents’ home for six months; then there was a council of the elders of the family and it was decided that she must ‘be returned‘. The family apologized to Hardeep’s husband and his parents for the meagre dowry she had brought, they added more and sent her back. [emphasis mine]
What will society say if we take her back into our home? Who will marry her sisters if it becomes known that the elder daughter is separated from her husband?
Adjust. That terrible word. It is a horrifying truth that every time a harrassed girl comes back to her parents and complains about the ill-teratment meted out to her, the parents advise her to go back and adjust.
Above all, who has the time and energy to fight battles for the dead; the others in the family are alive and it is essential to take care of living and forget the dead…
What was important for him now was his family, his business, his widowed mother. If he kept chasing the case, all this would fall by the wayside, so he had decided that since Hareep was dead anyway he would focus on the living. [Hardeep’s brother]
And even before this, parents and families who believe that it is the right of the groom’s side to demand dowry and their duty to provide one.
The brothers said, “after all she is our sister. Why should we not give everything we can? If they ask, let them; we’re happy to give”
“Do you mean we should send our daughters to their matrimonial homes like beggars?”
And her in-laws watching in silence as their daughter-in-law goes in up flames ignited by them in the first place…
Supported ably by the legal system that is as mute as the others in this drama…
In 1981, a judge actually delivered a statement in a dowry case (Inder Sain vs the state) in which he said (according to the Times of India) that anything given after marriage did not count as dowry.
And indifferent and insensitive.
All too often the judicial process fails them, repeated adjournments dampen their faith and, as time passes and the initial shock of grief lessens, the daily routine of life reasserts itself and it begins to seem less and less important to pursue the case.
And finally, the biggest culprit in this all - “society” - voyeuristic at times when the drama is unfolding in front of their eyes, in their neighborhood, within their own family and indifferent when it comes to reacting and doing something, even saying something. Suddenly then, it is an internal family issue and maintaining friendly and neighbourly relations is paramount, even with murderers…
Why do you bother? It is a matter between the husband and the wife. Perhaps she did something to offend him. [So he set her on fire]
***
All the stories that Butalia has documented here are from decades ago, the 1970s and 80s when the self-bursting kerosene stove was suddenly discovered, and some even older. Sadly, these stories could all be from now and here, from the new century, from this ’shining’ country, this booming economy…
Sadly, nothing has changed…
***
Update : Is the traditional match-making really the best way? Read Uma’s latest post where she lso links to an earlier piece on a rubbishy practice like dowry needs to go.
